The Institution of Marriage

Whilst surfing about the internet I stumbled on an amusing story, although I find it somewhat suspect and wonder if it's a myth:

A husband is having intimate online discussions with a woman, frequently talking about how horrible his marriage is. The woman commiserates, as she too is in a horrible marriage.
Meanwhile, his wife is having intimate online discussions with a man, frequently talking about how horrible her marriage is. The man commiserates, as he too is in a horrible marriage.

Surprise, surprise - they were really talking to each other without knowing it. And now they're both filing for divorce on the grounds of unfaithfulness.

It is a well-known fact that (even though I am married) I generally frown on the institution of marriage. The biggest reason being that I have seen so many go so badly, either because they were ill-conceived or ill-maintained.

Ill-conceived seems to be the most common culprit. If your boyfriend is a jackass, marrying him isn't going to make him better. If your relationship is falling apart, that's NOT the time to get married. You have to start with a sound, stable relationship if you want a marriage to succeed.

Ill-maintained is the harder one to conquer. It's very easy to slip into this.

A quick aside: some years ago, at a party, a friend asked me something about her relationship (I think). I said, "I'm the last person you should ask for relationship advice." Another friend said, "You should be the best person to ask - you've been with the same woman for 11 years!" (much longer than any of the friends present had been together - and now closing in on 17!).
"Go ahead, ask me how I did that!" I said.
"Ok, how'd you do that?" my friend asked.
"I have no idea!" I exclaimed. "I've bumbled along for 11 years, and somehow it's worked out!"

This is largely true. However, over the years I've had time to analyze what I did do (without knowing what I was doing), and figured out some of what worked, and what didn't. The old saying goes that "communication is the key", but I would say that "constructive communication is the key". It's too easy to argue and complain and call it communication. You have to discuss, negotiate, reason.

I would guess that - if that couple is real - they did none of that. Whining to each other online is probably the most communication they ever did, and that isn't very constructive.

Aside from "constructive communication", some of the few tips I can give anyone in a relationship:

1. Never go to sleep angry. (This is the only good piece of relationship advice I ever got from my father). Always sort out the problem before you go to sleep for the night - even if it means staying up until 5am talking. It's ok to go to bed angry - but the discussion better follow you there, and you better not sleep until it's settled.

2. For a successful relationship, you each have to give up a part of yourselves, but you each have to keep a part of yourselves. The trick is in finding the balance. You have to spend x amount of time together, and y amount of time apart. You have to agree on and like x things, but have different opinions on y things. Figure out how to balance x and y.

3. Come to an agreement on mutual goals. Financial considerations, home (ownership, what type of home, etc.), to some extent career (is one of you willing to work hard while the other goes to school to fulfill their dream of being a gastroenterologist?), kids, anything else that you must achieve together.

4. Nothing destroys a relationship faster than jealousy. You must have trust and a lack of jealousy to succeed. If you don't have that now, figure out a way to get there.

And then there's one thing I aspire to, but haven't attained yet - when asked how he staid happily married for 50+ years, Larry Hagman said simply: "Separate bathrooms."

I dream of that. Oh lord, how I dream of that.

-Mattbear, marriage counselor, out.