On Matrimony

So, today being the day of my nuptials, my mind is naturally on the topic. This evening, a small sampling of family and kin will be at our home to see us married by our friend, Charley, he being an ordained minister of the Universal Life Church. I shall be clad in kilt; photos posted online of my sexy bare lower legs shall surely follow.

I am also an ordained minister, and am legally able to perform weddings. I have offered many times to be the minister of friend's weddings, and all have refused thus far. Charley and Cynthia ran off to Hawaii to be married, LP wanted me as his best man instead, Brad and Susie were afraid of what I might say given the chance to perform a wedding (although I was the best man and got to make the toast - what's that about?). I just want the experience, just once, of getting to stand up there as a minister and marry off a couple. I actually enjoy on some level speaking in front of people, and I think it would be fun in a way. So if you are getting married, think about having me as your minister, ok?

Brad and Susie's fear that I might say something untoward was not only unfounded, but also not original. Leo and Jess actually had their minister remove the "if anyone here has any reason these two should not be married" part, because they were afraid I would pull some prank. I'm sure this fear is born from my disdain of marraige in general, but the truth is I always feel weddings are an important and reverant occassion. Boring, yes. A pain in the ass, yes. But still reverant. I'm always polite and on my best behavior.

Last Friday, Jen and I went to get our marraige license. The courthouse in Seattle only does that until 4:30, and we had to race to get there. We walked into the office at 4:28, and got the paperwork all done, our 5-year-old son in tow. I remembered a couple of stories about marraige licenses that always amused me:

• My father was my mother's second husband, and she had my oldest sister already from her first marraige. When my parents went to get their marraige license, they had to drive to the county seat and had my sister, then two, with them. In 1958, a couple just getting married but already with a kid was cause for raised eyebrows. The clerk at the courthouse eyed my sister when my parents announced they were there for a marraige license. My father, ever the smartass, looked at the clerk, then my sister, then the clerk, and said, "The roads are real bad out our way."
• My 8th grade Chemistry teacher told us a story about getting his marraige license. He lived in a state that required blood tests for a marraige license. He also just so happened to work in the lab that processed said blood tests for the county he lived in. When his fiance's bloodwork came back, his co-workers decided to play a little prank on him and printed up a fake results sheet showing she was pregnant. They came up to him and said, "So, is this why she's marrying you, or is this a complete surprise?" He looked over the print out and said, "OK you jokesters. Where's the real one?" They protested that it was the real one, until he explained that he happened to know that it was his fiance's time of the month and the jig was up on their little joke. I believe the phrase he used to explain this to our class was, "I told them I had firm biological evidence to the contrary."

Alrighty. That's it from today's Groom. Mattbear out.