That's heavy, man

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Always a dangerous thing with me. My thinking has been around heavy topics like the death penalty, national security, politics, child rearing, health, death, and on and on and on. You know what that means? Time to spew some of that out here. Long post; bear with me if you're brave enough.

To bring you to my current thinking, I have to pull out the WayBack Machine. As I'm sure anyone who actually reads this knows, I studied Criminal Justice in college. Most of my teachers were either active law enforcement or retired. We had a retired California Fish and Game guy running the CJ department, a retired FBI guy, a retired DEA guy, some patrol cops, a detective specialized in child abuse, and my favorite, Rick Bart (damn, he's looking old). Back then, Bart was Lieutenant of Detectives for Snohomish County Sheriff's Office. Later, he was elected Sheriff. I am proud to say I voted for him in his first election; he's probably the only Republican I have ever voted for. Apparently next year he is going to run for Snohomish County Executive.

Anyway, before being Lieutenant of Detectives, Bart was a homicide detective. Probably his most famous case was mass murderer Charles Rodman Campbell. After being let out of prison for rape, this dirtbag went to his rape victim's house and killed her (in front of her 8 year old daughter), her daughter, and her neighbor. Ol' Bart used to bring in slide shows to our Homicide Investigation class so we got to look at crime scenes, bodies, all that good stuff. Naturally one day Bart brought in the photos of Campbell's crime scene and related investigation and talked to us about it. When I saw the pictures of the little girl, throat slit ear to ear, I looked at the notes about the investigation. She was just a year younger than I. I felt some righteous anger. Bart himself said that case wounded him more than any other case he investigated, and this is a man who has seen some of the worst. I can't explain how brutal, how hurtful those pictures and the story he told were. Ask me about it if you want sometime - I can recall every ugly photo, every detail Bart gave us.

Campbell was hung by the state of Washington on my 21st birthday. Well, technically, it was the day after my 21st, since it was at 12:10am on the 27th, but I had just come home from being out drinking with "the boys" to celebrate my 21st. Jen, who was not 21, had arranged a girls' night at our place, largely with a number of sort-of hippie chicks recently introduced to us by Charley...they were not pleased when I came cruisin in with the boys at midnight and turned on the news and proposed a toast to the stretching of that bastard Campbell when it was announced at 12:10. They were nice, fairly naive girls, and of course opposed to the death penalty which I felt Campbell so richly deserved.

To this day, I cannot feel bad about Campbell's death. I saw the pictures of the destruction he wrought, and they effected me deeply, at an emotional level no logic can touch. My only regret was that I was not there to see it, or perhaps pull the lever myself, or maybe sodomize him with a red-hot iron just before he dropped.

Why dredge up all this? These days you see a kinder, gentler Mattbear than the one that existed back then, as I have mentioned recently. I've been questioning my long-held, unwaivering stance on capital punishment. There are so many arguments against it. Some say it's applied in a racist manner in this country. It is certainly applied unevenly. It makes no logical sense (it's wrong to kill, you killed someone, so now we're going to kill you). It's definitely not a deterrent - even as a supporter of the death penalty I never tried that weak-ass argument. What's got me thinking most these days is that it's just plain barbaric. Most of the nations who hold on to the death penalty are backward countries with no concept of human rights anyway. We're putting ourselves in the same class as Iran and Syria, for god's sakes. Cambodia banned the death penalty. That's right, the nation that gave us the Khmer Rouge and the Killing Fields has banned the death penalty, but not us. I was proud to be an American when I found out that little fact.

I was already thinking about this a lot when it came into the news that the Governator held the power of life and death over "Tookie" Williams, one of the earliest members of the Crips. Arnold is an actor. I can not see what he has done or said that would indicate he is a wise, reasonable choice to hold the power of life and death over anyone. His decision to deny clemency apparently came as a five page document. I'm pretty sure his lawyers wrote it. If Arnold had done it himself, it would probably have been something like "I had to let him go." (In all fairness, he didn't even write that)
Leading takes wisdom. The Governator is not wise. While I think of myself as intelligent, and wise for my age and education, I do not feel I really am wise enough to hold the power of life and death, except maybe in a kill-or-be-killed self defense type situation. So that brings me to question: in this kind of a case, where death is being considered as a punishment well after the fact, who is wise enough to hold that power? The answer, I am becoming afraid, is "no one". Perhaps we should not use death as a penalty for crime.

Moving on! I'm also pretty concerned with another area where our country is currently displaying some barbarism - torture. Certain asshats in our current government seem to feel that torture is A-OK. I keep thinking, isn't there something our government signed, saying we wouldn't torture people? Some treaty? Didn't we sign it in some foreign place? And wasn't there also something we put together in our own country that kind of said torture was maybe wrong? Maybe I'm just imagining things. But today we made history! The White House agreed to pass Sen. McCain's proposed law banning use of torture! So now we're going to pass a law telling everyone not to violate our own Constitution or the biggest international treaty in history. This reminds me of a joke told by a very dirty comedian:
"I read about a guy who pled not guilty to a charge of fucking a dead cat. What disturbs me most is that we needed a law to tell us it's wrong to fuck a dead cat. And what's this guy's defense, anyway? 'I didn't know the cat was dead, your honor. I wouldn't fuck a dead cat, that's sick!' "

On more personal worries, I am very concerned about health - my health especially, but the health of those I care about too. I have long been careless with my diet, exercise, mental health, and on and on to the point where I am now falling apart. I'm trying to take better care of myself now, and since I weigh more than I have ever weighed in my life, that is my number 1 priority. I am at a point where I am afraid. Diabetes. Heart attack. Cancer. All are in my family history, all I am at an elevated risk for due to my lifestyle and being overweight.

After the holidays, I am changing my life, hardcore. Going to drop some pounds, get in better shape, try to take care of myself. I know I've said this before...a million times...but I've never been this frightened before. I can feel it in my bones that if I don't turn things around, I'm not going to be here much longer. And that is scarying the shit out of me.

I know some of you have already gotten yourselves in better condition. Some need to. And some have been fine all along. But if you're not in good shape now, I beg you to join with me and cut that fat, take better care of yourselves, get more exercise. I want my friends around for the long haul, and I want to be there for them too.

Alrighty. Enough with the serious shit for now. Mattbear out.